The challenge with change... Ego, evolution and releasing expectations

“When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

Two years ago, I was trekking in the Himalayas challenging myself to achieve something I had never done before. It was a planned part of my transition from being a senior leader employed in Financial Services to an unemployed woman unclear of who she was or what she was here to do. I had taken a career break to take some time out from the life I had worked so hard to build over the last 16 years. Some people thought I was ‘lucky’. Some people thought I was ‘brave’. Some probably thought I was crazy or unappreciative to give up what I’d achieved. Only those who knew me best and intimately knew that I was broken and really what I needed was time to heal.

It’s a funny old thing the ego. Several years before, I had the wonderful opportunity to study at Ashridge Business School. I was studying a subject that was incredibly close to my heart and my head - ‘Consulting and Change in Organisations’. The quality of the tutors, fellow students and content of the course was more than I had ever experienced and I was very ready for the learning experience. Working with people, teams and organisations through change, whilst embodying the values of democracy, involvement and creativity rocked my world. What I was not ready for - was the massive shift it created in my psyche, my view of the world and my role in it and the unravelling of self that followed - that pesky ego of mine was about to get challenged, and as it turned out - the results it created weren’t too pretty.

Although I hadn’t gone down the traditional road of going to University and getting a degree, I had built an incredibly successful career through my ambition, being a willing learner and seeking out ways and means of doing things that were new to me. Very little was impossible - it was just a matter of finding out how to do things well I hadn’t yet done. I spent a lot of time understanding and utilising my strengths and working hard to understand my weaknesses and build my capability. It was a challenge but it was fun! I had the good fortune of some amazing leaders and mentors in my career, who had seen potential in me and provided me with opportunities to build my skill set and do great work, none more so than my leader during that time who supported my study at Ashridge. So I valued and appreciated the opportunity to study in this way, at this level tremendously and I was determined to make the most of it.

Why then, did I feel so out of kilter? What was this process awakening in me that was making me feel so uncomfortable? Why, instead of feeling more confident in my day job with my new skills and knowledge did I feel more and more out of place in my role and the work I was there to do? And this is where it came to me and my ego… The ego I was getting to know from a different perspective, but trying to utilise through my work in a much more conscious and considered way.

What I began to realise, was that my ego and the values it held - ambition, drive, personal achievement, ownership - had got me to the place and the role that I held, and that worked for the organisational culture I was part of. Personal achievement and ‘owned’ success through specific results you could showcase were highly valued. And in the beginning, I had thrived on that and it had worked for me, it made me a ‘high performer'.

What was new and particularly different, were the new values emerging from my deeper sense of self, the self that works on intuition and instinct and compassion and co-creation. How this translated into how I wanted to work as I developed my sense of my ‘self’ as an instrument of change. The areas I felt compelled to explore and change, as I continued on my journey of learning, raised questions with difficult and surprising answers. What did I need to let go of to support this awakening? What aspects of my character did I want to accentuate in my evolving identity to feel and be more authentic? Who was I being called to become through this process of learning and change? I was in 'Transition'. The internal journey of how you navigate external change described by William Bridges. This was no journey of textbooks and essays - this was a true journey of self and identify, mission and meaning. And it cast me out adrift, alone in a sea of possibility troubled with storms of uncertainty and confusion.

"To cross over the line into the transition, you need to ask yourself what inner relinquishments you'll need to make because of the change. What needs will you have to find other ways to get met? Because of your change, what parts of yourself are now out of date? ." William Bridges

As a leader, this was particularly challenging. I struggled with knowing how to share this journey with my team, in a way that didn’t create more anxieties than was necessary during a time of both organisational change and change in our own team and function. I struggled with being the bow of the ship, sailing strong and clear in the direction of change. In reality the change was evolutionary and the destination to which we were sailing was in design as is so often the case ‘behind the scenes’.

Too often in organisations we treat change as if we were engineers. Building a thing, with all the nice component parts that slot neatly into the designated areas. Through experience, we often neglect the layers of complexity at a very human level. Nobody is one dimensional, so why do we craft a carefully worded communication or vision and expect that to be enough for people to get behind? That a 'burning platform' will be enough to let go of the comfort and familiarity that fills our daily routine? I have always been an optimist through change, seeing great opportunity from the unknown, filled with excitement and possibility. But this time it felt very challenging as the optimism which normally kept me steady and future focused was very hard to find. An additional challenge, my personal life was causing a great deal of pain and uncertainty too as my dad faced his second cancer diagnosis and I was his main carer in addition to my other roles in life and work. Life happens whether you are a leader of organisational change or not - and my sense of self and physical health just weren’t strong enough to weather the storm and manage the complexities to the best of my abilities - and I had a field day punishing myself for it. Guilt and shame can often accompany perceived failings or feelings of lack and are an ingrained, habitual response in many people transitioning through change. Thankfully, they can also be overcome by getting intentional with how you use your brain to better support you.

So, what was the end result? One Sunday morning, I woke up and as I tried to get up and face the day I hit a wall, brokedown and realised I couldn’t go on. Everyday had begun by filling my self with positive self talk about how I would get through today and how I had faced worse challenges and overcome them. But the reality was that I was running on empty, my physical and mental health were suffering as my coping mechanisms had been depleting my energy stores and not replenishing them. My dad’s diagnosis and need for surgery was the thing that forced me to stop, take some time, and make the decision that was terrifying but necessary - to take a career break and just do ‘nothing’ until I felt like I wanted to do ‘something’ whatever that turned out to be. This was a huge move for me to make and it resulted in my existing reality and way of living being completely dismantled to venture into the unknown.

In reality I did far from nothing! What I did as well as travel, study psychotherapy and gain a new high performance coaching certification, was learn to create the space to let things surface, become a detached observer, get to know my ego, get into relationship with my fear and deeply study the human condition at a mental, physical and spiritual level. I vastly increased my self awareness. I increased my ability to self manage through regaining my physical, mental and emotional health. I learned how to optimise my nutrition, physical activity and ability to rest and recover. I learned the value of spending time in nature, the importance of continuing to learn and grow through acquiring new skills and knowledge and the importance of nourishing habits and activities. I improved the quality of my social connections and relationship skills. I created clearer boundaries in my relationships with others, to honour myself and my needs whilst being fully present with the people I chose to invest my time and energy in. Ultimately I EVOLVED to a happier, healthier version of myself than I had ever known.

I also set up Find Your Flow Coaching and Consultancy to help other leaders transform and evolve, reach new levels of personal performance and professional achievement and to help organisations consciously navigate transitions and become more successful through elevating leadership and enhacing performance.

The most exciting thing about this for me? The conflict I once felt about how I wanted to operate and what was expected of me doesn't exist anymore. It's been replaced by a deep, integrated self awareness and sense of purpose about who I am and what I offer. My role now is to provide a presence and an energy that doesn’t exist in many organisations, to use my learning, experience and difference as my strength, to notice and observe the waves and ripples of humanity and complexity and emotion from outwith the system, and support and coach leaders to steer their ships with strength and certainty through the process of change as it unfolds - internally and externally.